Apologies to those who have been checking in on me. I haven't been checking in on my blog. I'm having a harder time coming home than I thought I would. As a chaplain, I've given a lot of briefs about what to expect at homecoming and some of the things to watch out for. Lo and behold, some of it has happened to me.
I haven't done any significant posting because I'm still trying to get used to being home again. The changes of the last three months have been astronomical. 5 days after I got off the plane, our Battalion Commander switches out and the new guy wants to go Mach 5 right away. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get ready to transition out of my battalion to a new one as well as look forward to transitioning out of the Army. All this in the midst of learning how to live in a three-bedroom apartment with another person and dogs in a place where my laundry isn't done for me and I have to cook my own food. The last part is a joy to try to re-learn but it's still stressful.
That coupled with what I did in Iraq has finally caught up with me. I didn't want to say anything at the time for security reasons but a big part of my job was performing Ramp Ceremonies. Each one was a mini-funeral on the ramp of a C-130 or C-17 for a fellow Soldier who died away from friends and family. Some were due to enemy attacks and others were fluke happenings, like the 56-year-old Army Reserve Soldier who had a heart attack while doing PT. I did 90 of them over 15 months and 60 in the first six months. I thought I was strong enough to handle it, I'm a chaplain for crying out loud, but the last three months have told me otherwise. Having seen so much death, I'm wrestling with a lot of survivor's guilt. Why them and not me? (Not that I want to die but some of these could have been me.)
I'm still not "okay" but I'm getting there. I'm getting help and doing what I can. Getting back into the swing of things triathlon-wise and posting-wise is part of that.
Posting this is part of that. I've wanted to put this up for a long time but I haven't because I'm afraid that people will treat me differently. The reality is that I'm not the only one who struggles with things like this; there are countless other vets who have done more than I have and seen more than I've seen and hurt more than I'm hurting. I'm just willing to talk about it. I'm not a victim or permanently damaged. I've got the mental/ emotional version of a sprained ankle or maybe a broken arm. With some treatment and rehab, I'll be back to my old self.
Today is the first day of that process.
I haven't done any significant posting because I'm still trying to get used to being home again. The changes of the last three months have been astronomical. 5 days after I got off the plane, our Battalion Commander switches out and the new guy wants to go Mach 5 right away. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get ready to transition out of my battalion to a new one as well as look forward to transitioning out of the Army. All this in the midst of learning how to live in a three-bedroom apartment with another person and dogs in a place where my laundry isn't done for me and I have to cook my own food. The last part is a joy to try to re-learn but it's still stressful.
That coupled with what I did in Iraq has finally caught up with me. I didn't want to say anything at the time for security reasons but a big part of my job was performing Ramp Ceremonies. Each one was a mini-funeral on the ramp of a C-130 or C-17 for a fellow Soldier who died away from friends and family. Some were due to enemy attacks and others were fluke happenings, like the 56-year-old Army Reserve Soldier who had a heart attack while doing PT. I did 90 of them over 15 months and 60 in the first six months. I thought I was strong enough to handle it, I'm a chaplain for crying out loud, but the last three months have told me otherwise. Having seen so much death, I'm wrestling with a lot of survivor's guilt. Why them and not me? (Not that I want to die but some of these could have been me.)
I'm still not "okay" but I'm getting there. I'm getting help and doing what I can. Getting back into the swing of things triathlon-wise and posting-wise is part of that.
Posting this is part of that. I've wanted to put this up for a long time but I haven't because I'm afraid that people will treat me differently. The reality is that I'm not the only one who struggles with things like this; there are countless other vets who have done more than I have and seen more than I've seen and hurt more than I'm hurting. I'm just willing to talk about it. I'm not a victim or permanently damaged. I've got the mental/ emotional version of a sprained ankle or maybe a broken arm. With some treatment and rehab, I'll be back to my old self.
Today is the first day of that process.
2 Comments:
Tom,
Thanks for serving and sacrifcing for your soldiers and the rest of the U.S. I will continue to pray for you.
Gene
Dub, I'm glad you're home safe, and I'm glad you're going to be blogging more. I've really enjoyed reading your blog posts for the last couple years and seeing what you're thinking and feeling.
I'm immensely proud of you for putting your money where your mouth was and heading to the big sandbox to help make the world a better place.
Now that you're home, just keep taking things one day at a time. The transition will be hard, but I know you have the strength to come through it.
Goose
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