It's not getting easier

The difficulty that I feared is coming to pass today. We had a staff lunch and I found myself just sitting there amongst my own thoughts and fears, already distancing myself from the rest of the staff. I didn't want to talk, joke, or engage because these things are to love and to love is set myself up to hurt. I already know that I'm going to hurt but I don't want to hurt any more than I have to. So, instead, I have to sit with my thoughts, fears, and unexpressed love and swallow them all so that I don't hurt. I'm a big fat chickenbaby! Rather than tell these wonderful people how much they mean to me, I sit there by myself and in myself and with myself in a room full of friends. Man, what an opportunity I missed.

It's not getting easier...and the hardest part is yet to come. More on that after it happens.