It's not getting easier

The difficulty that I feared is coming to pass today. We had a staff lunch and I found myself just sitting there amongst my own thoughts and fears, already distancing myself from the rest of the staff. I didn't want to talk, joke, or engage because these things are to love and to love is set myself up to hurt. I already know that I'm going to hurt but I don't want to hurt any more than I have to. So, instead, I have to sit with my thoughts, fears, and unexpressed love and swallow them all so that I don't hurt. I'm a big fat chickenbaby! Rather than tell these wonderful people how much they mean to me, I sit there by myself and in myself and with myself in a room full of friends. Man, what an opportunity I missed.

It's not getting easier...and the hardest part is yet to come. More on that after it happens.

I'm so lost...

Today has been a crazy day; I am so lost. It started with a fight over a dumb piece of paper that meant more to me than my wife's feelings. Not that this is right; it's just the way that it was. I'm so frustrated, confused, scared, excited, optimistic, and negative all at the same time. It's so hard to feel anything. So, when I don't know what to feel, I feel anger and blow up. Unfortunately, I blow up a lot at Sara because she's close. It's not right; it's just the way it is. I'm working at it...please be patient with me.

Tomorrow's going to be the harder yet. Saying good-bye to the staff is going to be very very hard. A lot of good partners and helpmates that I would love to bring with me. We could change the whole Army if I could get them to come with me. But that's not in the plan. It would have been had I written it but, for some reason, God didn't see fit to ask me. Something about being the Creator, I guess. At least that's how Job tells it.

I'm so lost. I have no world. I have two and I can't do anything in either one. It's so much like eschatology, so much like being a man of faith that it's not even funny. To keep going in this ministry in the Church, knowing that the plans that I make and the seeds that I sow will probably be harvested by someone else. Paul planted, Apollos watered, God gets the credit. God gets the credit. Amen.

I'm so lost. Lost in myself. Lost in my emotions. Lost in my tasks. Lost in my callings. Lost in everything. I pray that God will come and find me...soon.

It's LAN-tastic

Today was a first that I had long waited for. Today, I played in my first LAN party. It was a lot of fun!! We tried playing StarCraft at first, but we couldn't get everyone on the network. When that didn't work, we played Medal of Honor: Allied Assault. It was a free-for-all DeathMatch and I showed them what sniping was all about. It was great to see all my friends fall from my headshots. Yeah, it was a great afternoon of killing each other in good Christian love.

My Second Love

I have been really conflicted over my year-long commitment to the Army. I am honored to serve my country, yet I know that I am called to youth ministry at St. Paul. As I tried to put this into words, I thought of the words of Revelation 2:4, "I have this against you: you have forgotten your first love." My first love is serving my Savior in his Church and connecting kids to Christ. I can't forget this.

But, my second love is my country. I am so thankful to live in a country where I can boldly proclaim the truth of Jesus Christ. I am thankful to be able to write what I want and post it on this blog. To me, words like loyalty, Duty, Respect, Service, Honor, Integrity, and Courage mean something, in fact they mean almost everything to me. These aren't just abstract, archaic words; these are concepts that I want to be part of my character, that I strive to live each and every day of my life.

I feel very honored that I am able to serve my country over this next year. I'm very humbled to be a part of a congregation that will give me the time necessary to do that. Serving my Savior Jesus in their midst is my first love and I won't forget it.

Appreciation Abounds!

Today was a one of those days that will stay with me forever. It's my last Sunday in Wisconsin; this time next week, I'll be somewhere on base at Ft. Benning, Georgia. Being such, we had a special commissioning and sending of me as a Missionary to the Military for the next year. We also installed Sara as our "Interim Director of Youth Ministry." It was great to be able to lay hands on Sara and pray for her ministry over the next year.

Following services, there was a pot-luck in my honor. Man, if you are going to have a last meal, a pot-luck is the way to go. I didn't over-eat too bad and I got a good taste of the best that St. Paul's has to offer. Following the meal, there was a short program to send me on my way. Some good friends, Beth, Larry, Don and Tom all had some great things to say. There was the requisite gag-gifts, mostly Looney Toons to go with my growing collection. Then I had a chance to share some of my feelings with the church, as well. They were very appreciative of me; and I am certainly appreciative of them. Many tears were shed by them and by us. It's finally starting to hit me that I am leaving for a longer time that I am ready to admit.

This evening, we went to Youth Worship down at the The Upper Room. At the end of worship, some girls from our youth ministry stood up and shared how much they are going to miss me. It was good for me to hear this because I had wondered if I was making any kind of difference. It's been a great affirmation of my ministry here. Why is it that these affirmations come when we are leaving? The great thing is, like MacArthur, I shall return.

It was an honorable night...

Tonight it was my pleasure and honor to attend the the 2nd Annual Sheboygan County Sheriff's Honor Guard Banquet. Sara and I had a great time. She got to play dress up, put on a really nice cocktail dress, a new pearl choker, and she got me into my dress blues. It's my second year for being able to do this and I really had a great time. The only problem was that my day started way too soon. I also got up early and went to 2nd Brigade headquarters to drop off a couple of pieces of equipment that I still had. It was good to touch base there one last time...for the next year. Early starts don't make for late nights and I also have to work tomorrow.

Good Friends, Good Times

Today Sara and I fulfilled our Friday ritual of going down to Cedarburg for coffee and fun. Usually, Ty and I take off for a hour bike ride and Denys and Sara head to Cedarburg Roastery for coffee and conversation...and chasing after Bryan and Zachary. Well, 45 degree temperatures and 10 mph winds don't make for great biking conditions, so we all went to get coffee and have some good conversation.

After that, it was over to Mayfair Mall for a little shopping for the women and more chasing after the boys for the men. After lunch we parted ways. More shopping for the gals; back home for the boys, where Ty and I played duelling Dell Inspiron 8600's, swapping files and showing each other great things on the the internet. It was a techno-geek's paradise!

When the ladies got back, they spent the time constructing some really delicious cakes. I got a chance to fulfill my "unclely" duties by teaching the boys some bad habits. Tonight's bad habit: licking the beaters after mixing cake batter. Zach's just a bit young for this lesson, but Bryan dove right in. Took a little bit of practice to get his tongue to go where he wanted it but, in the end, the beater was cleaner and Bryan's face was dirtier. Mission accomplished!

Days like today are some of the things that I am going to miss the most about being gone for a year. But, weird as it may sound, I believe that it's because I am willing to go and do what I do, that we can enjoy days like toda